Slightly Intoxicated Rant

You know, this is the first time in a while I've decided I want to be drinking alone. And yes, before you decide you want to lecture me about how unhealthy that is... I know.
I really do. 
But you have to understand, this evening started off after field day (to hell with that shit, I felt like a recruit again because I had to bust out my scuz brush) when I went to dinner with a few friends. Two of them were from the school house, the third being the new guy.
I realized how much I loathe the whole, "My dick is bigger than yours" conversation that most males discuss. It's stupid. Really.
At dinner, I decided to have a couple of beers. Why not. I was on a three day, I might as well take advantage of my night off. I've been good. Really. 
From there I just decide that I want to perpetuate this lack of sobriety. 
And so here I am. A bottle of wine, Blink 182 playing, a comfy bed and my blog. Odd combination. But I guess that just defines me.
Here's to hoping I stay sober enough to throw away the garbage in the morning before morning room inspection.

Anyway.
Moving on. This is supposed to be a rant. I can't promise it'll make much sense.

Since I'm drinking, let's play a game. Ring of Fire? Sure. That was, perhaps, my favorite drinking game. Ever.
Jack? 
Never have I ever, huh?
Well, let's see here.
Never have I ever had a more-than-platonic relationship with someone that first started off with a strong basis in friendship. Anyone I was ever really serious and involved with... Well, I kind of jumped into those. They never had a foundation of prior friendship.
Never have I ever... Not drunk texted someone and then regret it the next day.
Never have I ever... Not been a jealous, selfish person.
Never have I ever... Regretted admitting to having feelings for someone.
Never have I ever... Really enjoyed running. Fuck that noise.


Ahhhhh.
So many explanations needed! 
Will I give them all? Probably not. 

To say the least...
I think that part of the reason I've been so... Disgusted? Reluctant? Well, whatever it is... I think it's because I finally want a relationship or something along those lines that is based off of an amazing friendship. I haven't had that. I've only been hurt by those. So it's a nice change of pace that I'm not being held to that. But at the same time, it sucks due entirely to the fact that multiple people from Geiger, can shoot.  (Okay, just realized what I was typing. I'm leaving that in there as proof of my lack of sobriety.)
I think the point I was trying to make was that I'm happy that I've concluded that I deserve to be in a relationship that has a strong foundation. After all, how can you build a castle on ever-shifting sand?
What that has to do with shooting in Camp Geiger? I have no idea.

But I do know that I moving on from my last relationship, and I'm proud of myself for that. No matter how dark the world seems at any given time, it can either always be worse or if it has hit supposed rock bottom, it can only get better.

And I'm doing better.
And I'm happy about that.
It's about damn time, quite frankly. Life is too short to dwell on much.

Though admittedly, I think I've put myself into a position in which I can never really be happy in the end. That point in which you think you have feelings for someone who will never reciprocate them. At least, not in the sense that you wish... No, wish is not the right idea. Hope. Because I could never wish anything against their own will.
That's horrible. Hope is a little bit better than that.
But I've concluded, I'll just carry the fuck on like I always have. I'll still be your best friend, and I will never put those "other" ideas ahead of that. Beyond everything else, I value our friendship. I will always be there as I always have been before. I will never censor myself because I feel like they'd strain our friendship. I will always have your back, as I always have. I will never regret confiding in you, even my most hopeless secrets.
I will remain loyal; I will remain steadfast, honest and true.
As I always have.
I'll still tell you exactly what I think, even if it might hurt.
Nothing between you and I has changed, other than what I very drunkenly admitted to you.You know I'm not sorry for that. I don't think I will ever be. I just hope that it doesn't change anything for you.
I just want you to be blunt with me. Much like you always have been.
Bright, beautiful, belligerent, blunt. Me... but a much better version of me. Does that make me a slight narcissist? Probably.

But you know what...?
As my Senior would say when it never really mattered....

Whooooooooooo caaaaaaaaaares?

And now I'm out of wine.
Good night Chesty Puller, wherever you are!